MISSION STORY SLAM PODCAST Episode 19

HOST: Michael Schweisheimer, Founder, PWPvideo

GUEST:  Pamela Elaine Nichols, Executive Director, Muddy High Heels Entertainment

PRODUCER: David Winston

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Michael Schweisheimer: Welcome back to the Mission Story Slam podcast. Brought to you by pwp Video. I'm Michael Schweitzer, the executive producer at pwp Video and Mission story sold. We started Mission Stories Land to share the stories of the organizations that we serve at Pwp Video. Those include nonprofits, B corporations, triple bottom line companies, and sustainable organizations.

People who are on a mission to make the world a better place. I'm very glad to say that we have returned to gathering in person at Yards Brewing in Philadelphia, and we picked the names of 10 storytellers out of a hat and enjoyed their stories as they competed for a $250 donation to their favorite nonprofit.

The crowd also selected a favorite story for a $100 donation. Today's guest is Pamela Elaine Nichols, and she was the [00:01:00] big winner at Mission Story Slam seven when the theme was Thrive. And not only was she selected by the judges, but she also won the Crowd favorite prize that was sponsored by none other than your part-time controller.

It was a great night of storytelling and I'd never met Pamela Elaine before Mission Story Slam, and I'm gonna let you meet her the same way I did by hearing her.

Pamela Elaine Nichols: Mothers love their children. No doubt they are precious and special in their sight, but there's something that mothers don't love, but they will never tell they don't love it because if they tell the secret, they will be excommunicated from the perfect mother club.

and that dirty little secret that mothers hold privately is that they actually don't [00:02:00] enjoy putting everyone's needs first and their own on the back burner. This is a little secret that they're not sharing and they're not telling. But to put everyone's needs first and your own on the back burner as a mother is debilitating.

It causes depression, it causes disengagement with our children. It creates a mother who's busy with doing things than being available to her child or her children. How do I know this? I know this because. 14 years ago, I practiced putting everyone's needs first and my own on the back burner until I had a breakdown on my bathroom floor in front of my four young children.[00:03:00]

I took all the keys in the house because I couldn't stop crying. I had to find a place to hide and cry from my children, so I locked myself in the. As I heard them knocking on it, mommy opened the door. What's wrong? This woman who always seems to have it all together was completely out of control. So my daughter calls her father, mommy is crying and she locked herself in the bathroom.

My husband at the time said, don't worry, I'll call her friend Phyllis and I'll be home shortly. He came home. Knocked on the door. Pam opened the door. Opened the door, Pam, I ignored him. The more he knocked, the more I ignored because there was nothing he could do to help me. He stopped knocking voices fell quiet, and then I heard the soft knock [00:04:00] on the door and the voice that said, Pam, open the door.

It's me, Phyllis. It's okay. and immediately I opened the door and there was Phyllis. She found me on the floor and she jumped down on the floor. She wrapped her arms around me and she held me and she said, Pam, I love you. I love you, Pam. It's okay. She rocked me. She held me. She asked for no explanation, but somehow Phyllis got me off that bathroom.

got me into her car. We took a ride, ended up at a coffee shop, and she helped me understand that I wasn't crazy and that she herself had been in the same predicament because she knew what it meant to put everybody's needs first and her own on the back burner. Fast forward, I decided that I was gonna [00:05:00] find a.

To this problem that we mother share, but don't tell. And I discovered it. I went on a journey, a spiritual journey, and I discovered that there was a way to actually put myself on the front burner and others too. And I discovered a concept called selfish generosity to give to myself first so I can generously give to my children.

here's a call to action to every mother in the house. No, not to every mother in the house, to every person in the house who has a mother. Here's my call to action. Your mother, if she is with us, may not practice surface selfish generosity, and your mother, if she's not with us, probably didn't practice selfish generosity because what she needed.

Was permission from [00:06:00] you child. So here's what I want you to do. Go to your mother, write a permission slip and say, dear mother, you have permission to practice selfish generosity. And if your mother is not with us, go tell her anyway, wherever she is that she, wherever she. Has permission to practice selfish generosity.

Michael: So, Pamela Lane Nichols, thank you for joining me on the Mission Story Slam podcast.

Pamela: I am honored and delighted to be with you. Michael, give it a minute. There'll be time.

Michael: I'm gonna change my . No, I'm, we'll see what happens. No, I am really excited to speak with you. Can you tell me a bit about how you went from drinking coffee with Phyllis to your epiphany about selfish generosity?

Pamela: I'm sure. A bit of a journey there. Yes. There was a number of years actually, between Coffee with Phyllis and my epiphany, [00:07:00] what I mean by that is at the coffee shop, Phyllis reassured me. I wasn't crazy in that there were a lot of women who were having breakdowns too. A lot of mothers, and maybe it's not a bathroom floor breakdown, but it's some kind of other breakdown.

And that reassurance was enough. But I went back to my old ways of taking care of everybody else first and putting myself on the back. Fast forward about eight years later, I went on a retreat in Fairfield, Iowa to learn. Transcendental meditation and this practice was the game changer for me to start looking within for answers.

Rather than trying to find them outside of myself, I started realizing that there was a lot. Of substance to me and a lot of great things about me, that came all out of this meditation practice, and I came to the conclusion that if I didn't start taking care of [00:08:00] myself, I knew that my children would suffer.

So let's just call this selfish generosity. I don't know that I was the one that coined it, but I think that I put those two together and then started practicing finding out what does that mean for me? And, um, started putting some things in place such as self-care, such as self-improvement. And that's one of the reasons why I coach today on self-improvement because it is probably the number one way to practice selfish generosity in that

Michael: eight year journey.

Defining transcendental meditation, and I'm sure that it was quite a journey after that as well. Like when did you become a life coach? Where did that chapter

Pamela: start? After my divorce. . So following the breakdown and then eight years of soul searching and then learning transcendental meditation. One of the obvious, and I say this with caution and humility, but one of the obvious consequences, I'll say in a positive way of [00:09:00] deciding that one is going to take everyone care of oneself, is to let go of those things that no longer serve them.

And my marriage no longer served me. It was. , it was actually robbing me of peace and joy and happiness, which would, which made me a worse person and not such an available mother. And because I had a commitment to do better by my children because they had watched me suffer on the bathroom floor, I had to make that decision, and it really was the best decision that I could have ever.

Oh, so that's how I became a life coach, . So I started coaching women on what it means, , to let go of the things. If you choose to let go of the things that no longer serve you, such as a marriage, how do you get beyond it? How do you be resilient past that so that there's hope for those who go through that unfortunate experience.

Michael: Yeah, the decision to get divorced is a big one. I am also divorced and it was not a turn that I expected in my life either, so I, I definitely had [00:10:00] a different journey, but I'm, everyone's journey like that is unique. But I guess what I'm hearing, I guess what I'm hearing is that the Journey to Life coach started by becoming your own life coach.

Oh,

Pamela: spot on. I had to coach myself outta some really difficult, dark moments to find the light, and I knew that if I could help. Then I could help other women too. So I took on that role of helping women it, I don't wanna call myself a divorce coach cuz there's a unique certification of that and I don't even really call myself traditionally a life coach, but that's the best way for people to understand what I do.

But I'm really, if I'm gonna call myself anything, I'm really a resilience coach. So that's the focus of what I do. How do you get beyond the break? How do you get beyond and go into a breakthrough is really the heart of the work that I do. Yeah,

Michael: it's kind of interesting. So my next [00:11:00] question was actually going to be about, I was wondering if you'd ever kind of gone back and thought about the moment.

Prior to the bathroom floor, if it was, if piecing together, what brought you to that? If going backwards was useful or if you're really a go forwards, always type of

Pamela: person. I love that question and it's really a thoughtful question that you're asking. I did go back because I felt like I had to go back and see what were the underpinnings of this bathroom floor breakdown.

it's gonna be hard for me to say this, but I hope what I'm about to say, actually liberates mothers rather than make them feel bad. And that is, I realized that playing the role of a mother was not the thing that I really wanted to do in life. I, I really had other aspirations, but [00:12:00] for a number of reasons, I chose to be a.

and figured I've gotta do my best at it because I'm making this choice. My, I have four children, three of whom are adopted, so I really made a choice. , you made a lot of choice. The the fourth child was unexpectedly conceived and I felt that I had to do well by this decision, although it wasn't something that I really wanted for.

So coming to that realization, Michael, being able to be honest with myself and say, I really don't wanna be doing this. I really wanna be a high powered corporate woman someplace, um, not wiping noses and changing diapers, but here I was and I had to be honest with the lack of fulfillment, and I felt very much ashamed because one of the things that I shared, [00:13:00] Story slam is mission story slam is we're expected to be superwomen as mothers and love what we do.

Yeah. And it's so wonderful. And I was like, but I don't feel that way, so I must be weird. I must be different, but I'm gonna keep plunging through so that my kids don't suffer because I'm not excited by the. So I had to really get real about that. And I think that's probably the substance of the work that I do with women, Michael, is let's first get true about what we feel.

Because if we can get there, then we can find your breakthrough. If we are gonna pretend we're gonna have a hard time getting you to the other side.

Michael: Yeah. Those, so I'm not a parent and there are some non-existent kids that are happy about that . Okay. But I do, yeah, those moments of stop. Evaluate where you are.

Like any of us who have a vision board, right? We get away from it many times. You know what life's, what happens when you make other plans? It's [00:14:00] so trite, but also so simply true usually. And um, yeah, I really understand and respect that need for the people that you're working with now or in our own lives, like stop and reevaluate and figure out how did we get to today?

And if we have choices, what do we want to make tomorrow? What do we want to be doing? Mm-hmm. . . So that long journey to selfish generosity. So yeah, like you said, you're not sure if you came up with that. Is that something that you've read about? Is there some movement to this

Pamela: or There really isn't a movement to it.

If you were to Google selfish generosity right now, you would see those words come together. But there's various opinions about it. Some are like, it's a bad thing and some write about. It's a good thing. And for me, I think I. Somewhat of a unique spin on it that you are selfish to yourself so you can be generous to others.

I haven't quite seen that described that way. I might want to [00:15:00] actually start talking about it, writing about it, and speaking about it, because I think it's a necessary combination for people to accept and practice.

Michael: I really liked, I liked how you close your story, talking about the permission slip, giving it to.

You know, everyone has a mom and we can or at least had one, and we can give them that permission slip. Do you still have your own mother?

Pamela: I do. I still have my own mother. . Um,

Michael: so tell, did you give her permission slip?

Pamela: I'm going to give her permission slip. I think she'll probably go What in the world? I don't need any permission cause I'm good.

She's retired. , she does her own thing, but I think it would've been really helpful to her when she was raising us. And I'm glad you're calling me on that because I think I, I think after this interview I'm gonna go in and give her permission slip because even in her retirement she probably. Could be doing a lot more things that she wants to do with me [00:16:00] acknowledging girl, go do you in whatever way, shape, or form makes you happy.

I

Michael: like how concrete that permission slip idea is, how visual it is. I think that's one of the things that you did multiple times in your story, you really gave us. Tangible things to picture or hold onto in our minds, and I think that's part of the reason that your story was so good and so effective and so memorable.

Pamela: I, I really hope that those who watch the speech will actually do that thing because we moms, and even dads too, I don't mean to isolate the fathers who are listening, but we need, we feel guilty. So if we have permission, From others to take care of ourselves. I think we would do a much better job because not doing that is detrimental.

It really has a huge impact on our mental wellbeing. Not to take care of ourselves.

Michael: I don't, you know [00:17:00] what? I don't think you have to excuse singling out moms particularly as it relates to your story, but I think that the concept of selfish generosity really ties into everything that we're doing at Mission Story Slam, right?

Like the whole idea of that story slam is to bring together people in the. , mission driven space and give us a chance to hear from each other and support each other and hold each other up. But take, but self care and taking care of ourselves. Mm-hmm. . So I think it fits together really perfectly. I, you know what, I do wanna talk a little bit about coming to Mission story Slam, because I know the backstory.

Tell me about that. What was going on? What happened?

Pamela: I got cold. W before mission story Slam took place. Obviously the, I got the email saying, we're doing mission story, blah, blah, blah, and I thought, oh, that sounds great. And I reached out to Jenny and I had a Zoom meeting with [00:18:00] her and I was like, put me down.

I wanna come. I'm gonna do my story. I'm so excited. She said, I'm so excited too. And I promoted it and all on social media, blah, blah, blah. And then the day CO came, yeah. I was like, oh, I'm not going. I haven't practiced. I have not prepared. I'm not going to do this. Go up there and completely fail. I need another month to rehearse , and then another month, okay, I need another month.

I was gonna do that speech about 300 times to make sure I nailed. I had not done it once, so I said, I Jenny, I'm so sorry I can't go. You hadn't done it. Not even once I've told that story, like okay, on podcasts and interviews and things like that, but I've never stood up to an audience like that and put together this whole selfish generosity thing and my.

That was the first time I had put [00:19:00] together the whole selfish generosity plus my story. So I told Jenny, I said, I can't make it. She said, oh, I'm so sorry. and then after, yeah, I sat there after I had sent the email saying, I can't make it. I something said, you must go. Like I heard a voice say, you must go.

It could have been Jenny. She's like that. Yeah. It could have been Jenny, right? That audible voice. And so I jumped in. Uber got there, but when I, I said to myself, I'm gonna go, but I'm not, I'm not gonna present. So I got there. I said, I'm not gonna speak. I'm just gonna be here and support other people. And she said, that's fine.

Then I went to the bar and I saw you. And you said, well, if the spirit leads or something to that effect, go ahead. Feel free to do a presentation. And I thought something we're not high pressure. I mean, you did say that. You said, we're so loving, so supportive. And I'm like, no, I know people are gonna be judging me all day [00:20:00] long.

Michael: Well, there's literally three judges. Let's.

Pamela: And then the other gentleman, I don't know what his name is, when he went up and said two of our presenters couldn't make it. So we really do need some people to speak.

Michael: That's our mc.

Pamela: Okay. Chris Tulo is our mc. Oh, okay. Okay. So he did that job? Yeah. Yeah. And there was a lady that I was sitting across the table from who was at the bar initially with you.

Tall lady. Very supportive. Mm-hmm. , she said, I wanna hear your story. And I'm like, you don't even know me, . She didn't know me from Adam, but she said, I wanna hear your story. And she said, sign up. Sign up. And I then s did sign up. But here's the funny thing, she couldn't stay to hear my story. She had to leave after the third story.

She said, I gotta go. Yeah. So she left. The combination of those experiences, what you said, what she said, and what the [00:21:00] producer said were the combination of things that. Pushed me to write my name down and do the speech. I'm

Michael: shocked. I'm shocked that you really, you hadn't rehearsed, because we have a lot of different storytellers.

We have people that didn't even consider telling a story until they walked in the room, had their second beer, and Crystal Tulo asked them, and suddenly they're putting their name in a hat. And we've had people win that way. By the way, it seem, it, it's not seemed practiced in a negative way. Mm-hmm. , but it seemed like you had such command of where you wanted to go and like the d.

Chapters and the pictures that you were drawing for us. Mm-hmm. down to that permission slip. So I thought you had, yeah, I

Pamela: thought you had done a lot more prep. I don't wanna be misleading. I thought about what I would say, but I didn't stand anywhere and rehearse the thing. Oh, I

Michael: know you had or one friend who left before your story, but did you, did it feel like a supportive audience?

Was that part of, was that part of what made it easy for you to get up and do

Pamela: that? Yes. It's very supportive [00:22:00] audience. First of all, the way. that the scene is set up, the stage, quote unquote, the stage is set up. It's very welcoming with the lights and where the people are seated it. It's just a very nice, comfortable layout than the people, just the ones that came up beforehand.

They were so authentic. , they were so cool with how they presented. I thought, this probably won't hurt as much as I think it's going to hurt. And Nice, it made it easier. Yeah. And um, Chris, you were saying that's the mc

Michael: Chris, Chris Satullo is the mc? Yeah.

Pamela: Yeah. He was just, it's, he was like someone I could just sit and talk to with over coffee and how he was very.

Very gentle with the previous presenters after they gave their speech and the question that he asked them, and it's like he was so engaged and interested and that made it easier for me to say, okay, I'm gonna do this. Yeah,

Michael: we're really lucky to have Chris, I think I mentioned at the story slamming, he has managed to make every.

Story slam. So we've had [00:23:00] seven, he's been the mc at all. Seven. He's bating a thousand for us and been a journalist for forever. He's, he is just a brilliant, engaged human being. Yeah. And he does bring a lot to that event and we're really lucky to have him there. Mm-hmm. . So I'm glad that was also helpful for you to get up Yeah.

And tell your story and yeah. When he announced that you were the winner, how did that feel?

Pamela: I was like, oh my, what? Wait, what? I was , delighted. I was silly, delighted, and very nervous too at the same time that my name was called I, I Wait, it was over. It

Michael: was over you. You had already won . No, but I still, I had never heard anyone who was nervous that they won.

That's interesting. Yeah. Yes. All right. No, you are entitled to feel the way that you feel. Yes. But I, that's, that is cool. And. What, were you shocked that when you learned the next day that you were also the Y P T C crowd favorite

Pamela: award winner too? Yes, I was. That was crazy because there were really [00:24:00] good speeches that night, and so I was very, I was humbled.

and very surprised and extremely delighted. A lot of people

Michael: were really glad that you had shared your story cuz it was a lot of fun and all right. With all of this, with the back and forth. I'm gonna tell it. I'm not gonna tell it. With the nerves even being nervous. When you were announced to the winner, was it worth it?

Was

Pamela: it fun? Absolutely. I would want everyone. To show up at Mission Story Slam and put their name in a hat, or if not, that's just not your thing. Then to go and support other people who are brave enough to put their names down and do their speech, because first of all, the food was on point. The venue was fantastic.

The alcoholic beverages always helped, and the crowd was

Michael: wonderful. That is the goal, is to have that room where we can get together and. Like it's a safe and fun place to, to share these things. We're gonna move on from [00:25:00] talking about mission story slam endlessly, but I do want to know, tell me a bit about your nonprofit and what.

all of these things that ended up conspiring to get you onto that stage, what winning means for your nonprofit.

Pamela: I will say this, that winning had me start thinking about the time that I had not been putting into the nonprofit I want to. After the win, I said, you know what? This is a sign cuz I had raised some money on Facebook, about $1,500 on Facebook for the nonprofit in August, and then this happened in September and I felt like this was a divine sign, that it was time to really give 80% of my time.

to the nonprofit. So I have now picked up the pace. I've updated my website cuz the website had been down for a while. For over a year. I've put the website back up. I've reestablished [00:26:00] myself as the executive director, the board and I are meeting again, and I'm gonna take this nonprofit to scale. And I'm doing that because this win really was a game changer for.

I gotta do this work, Michael, that's so great to hear. And this win, I mean, it's $350, but in my mind it was like $35,000. It really is the thing that has now inspired me to pick the mantle back up and run.

Michael: Yeah, I know it's not a, I know it's not a massive cash prize, but if it is a motivational one, yes, it is.

Is is awesome. Yeah. So tell us briefly about what your No. Is and what you are intending to do. Yes.

Pamela: So Muddy High Heels Entertainment is a performance driven corporation where we identify the goal is to identify minority mothers of low wealth who have [00:27:00] experienced abuse, but want to tell the story of resilience.

And that's creatively on stage, creatively through music, through dance, through spoken word, and those women. That we identify, we will cultivate that talent, coach them through a process of, we call it a resilience process, so that they can uplevel their recovery from abuse and learn the skills and techniques of breaking through to healing and wholeness that is required when you have experienced something like this.

But these women are also inspiring other women who will never go on stage. But it, they are the inspiration to those women in the audience to recover from their experiences of abuse as well. And the women in the audience aren't, not necessarily low wealth women, minority mothers, they could be any woman [00:28:00] who's gone through that experience.

But we really want to give the platform to these women who are low wealth because we wanna share with them the financial benefit. of telling their story on stage. So it's really been economic engine as well as a creative engine that we are putting together to help these women. Mothers of low wealth.

Michael: Sounds like you're not just putting on like a show. It sounds like you're ready to support women in to, to find their method of expression mm-hmm. and to get them out into the world, or am I Yes, that's right.

Pamela: Fully incorrect. No, you're spot on. I loved the theater. I was in the theater extensively when I was in high school and it even, you know, I.

didn't pursue theater when I went to college. I'm a graduate from the Johns Hopkins School of Public Health, so that's so far away from theater, but it's It's not

Michael: theater. Yeah. No, it's not . I mean, unless you get into an operating theater, you are very far. Right.

Pamela: That's right. . But I've always wanted to go back to my first [00:29:00] love and after I had my own experience of abuse, I just thought it made sense in my mind.

To talk about resilience from it. Using the theater or creative means as a way to heal and healing for myself and help other women heal as well. And I'm an African American, so I am a minority woman. I, and I even went through a season of low wealth and it's not pretty and it's not fun. So I just put all that together in the way I put selfish generosity together.

I have a way of putting stuff together. And I want, there you go. Wanted to make this a reality for many, many women. So we had one wonderful, talented mother who fit our bill perfectly. We weren't able to continue working with her, and in that we realized that we needed more therapeutic support. For these, for the women that we will eventually bring under [00:30:00] our nonprofit.

So we're gonna be reaching out to a therapeutic or counseling center to work with us to work with those women. I would do some of the coaching and they would be available to do some of the therapy that will absolutely be necessary to help these women as we get them ready to perform.

Michael: That makes sense cuz I think yeah, to exit a low point, particularly if you're talking about surviving abuse or intermit partner violence or any number of experiences like that.

Yeah. Having extra support to get through that transformation in addition to coaching, I can totally see where you need to have that whole picture together. Absolutely. Really glad that prize money for Mission Story Slam can be a little bit of a shot in the arm to just motivate you to get it moving again.

That's cool. So I know you're saying you're gonna put 80% of your. back to Muddy High Heels. But I know that you do a lot of things like writing books and some music of your own and the life coaching work. Is there anything with that other 20% that you've got going on that you'd like to talk about today or want us to know

Pamela: about?

Still a mother, but I got one child left, [00:31:00] so I'm giving her that 20%. One child left to raise , so I'm giving her that 20%. Um,

Michael: if she's listening as she's gonna have some things to say about that, I have a feeling she

Pamela: is definitely gonna have her 2 cents to say about that. I still have a class that I teach or a course that I teach on Tuesday.

It's a digital course that I created with a partner, and we coach every Tuesday night on this digital course. So that is really gonna take up that other 20% of my time. So I'm still have my hands in the life coaching or resilience coaching space. But I'm really going to be transitioning more towards the money, high heels, entertainment and raising money to sustain my work, my time, pay for my time, as well as do the great work that the nonprofit has decided to do.

Obviously,

Michael: our audience has a lot of people within the nonprofit sector and other. types of areas like that, and I'm sure there's people that also might be interested in your work as a [00:32:00] coach. Where can we find Muddy High Heels? First of all, where is that rebooted website

Pamela: at Muddy high heels entertainment.com is where they can find the website.

Okay. They can also reach out to me from that website. Cool.

Michael: Do you have a separate website for your coaching and classes?

Pamela: Yes. That website is Executive beauty dot. Executive beauty.net.

Michael: I'm really, really appreciate the way that you shared your story with us and gave us that context. And I hope, I hope a lot of us are issuing permission slips to various mothers in our own lives.

Our own, yeah. And others that we know and care about. Thank you very much for coming out to the podcast and I hope you'll keep showing up when you wanna stay home, keep sharing your story when you'd really rather be in the chair. .

Pamela: Yeah, it was really inspiring. Thank you. Thank you, Michael. I enjoyed being with you

Michael: and I wanna thank our audience.

You are the reason we created Mission Story Slam [00:33:00] and this podcast. We are inspired by our community of do-gooders and missionaries, and we love hearing from you. Let us know how we can make this podcast better. We'd love to hear about how storytelling keeps you engaged with your mission and work, or send us ideas.

For themes for future slams or podcast guests. Reach out to us through our website, missionstoryslam.org, , or connect with us on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. Please do share this podcast with friends and colleagues you think would enjoy what we're doing at Mission Stories. And if you like the podcast, check out another podcast we're producing a PWPvideo, the Mission Business podcast from Your Part-Time Controller llc highlights professionals and stories from the nonprofit sector and beyond. Hosted by YPTC managing partner, Jennifer Oliva. The show weaves together fascinating interviews with non-profit leaders and other unique segments from members of the Y P T C team.

The Mission Story Slam podcast is produced by Dave Winston and brought to you by Pwp Video. We. Video [00:34:00] with a mission. Find us@pwpvideo.com. We'll be back in about a month with another episode. Until then, I'm Michael Schweisheimer, and I look forward to sharing the next story behind the story with you soon.